Frogesay
Coming into 2020 with 200 IQ.

Today’s Hangover:

Diaper Fetish is Wrong and So Are You

Oh, pious clickbait… Deliver me from the evil of working on mediocre hardware…

Good fuck am I tired. My eyes are tired. My arms are tired. And my soul, too, is tired ― no I was not jacking off all day. I was only doing so for the past four hours, configuring my Raspberry Pi® 3® Model B+® by the Raspberry Pi® Foundation®, who just posted a weirdly passive-aggressive PSA about bootleg Raspberry Pi® cases. No longer satisfied to censor starving DJs sampling tunes and those talented artists who are willing and able to draw Diddy Kong sticking his monkey dong inside the entire Goof Troop, Big Copyright is now going after the humble factory worker who bootlegs obscure peripherals for single-board computers, because not even the third world labourer is safe from American ― I mean United Kingdom imperialism. Although it’s really Big Trademark in this case. Look, the law doesn’t matter and nobody understands GOLEMs. That’s a Stallman term for intellectual property. Which it ain’t. N’ain’t.

Last year I purchased one of those Raspberry Pi® 3® Model B+® thingies because I was utterly untalented with networking crap and I wanted to learn how to hook me up a home server so I could broadcast monkey porn across all three walls of my apartment, before getting hacked by the neighbours’ techie kids and getting the police called on me for distributing porno that isn’t technically illegal and probably should be but I’m still going to beat my meat anyway, dad. And to all the monkeys out there: I’m sorry. I fucked up. The Raspberry Pi® 3® Model B+® is bullshit. Yeah, you could throw Ubuntu Core on there and work everything through the command line, but we’re in the year 2020! I’m a visual artist, and I need fancy desktops to beam directly into my eyeballs, I say while writing for this exclusively text-based website in a plaintext word processor. And when you do get those fancy desktops? The Raspberry Pi® has a Raspberry Cry. Then the operating system cries. And then you cry. Then Baby Jesus cries, because that cunt is always crying.

Using the Raspian® operating system is an inconsistent mixture of an early-2000s desktop environment with modern packages downloaded through gigabit internet that can’t load four tabs of Chromium without panicking, overheating, and locking the operating system up as it has a crisis over whether to change its wet nappies or accept its fate as a diaper fetishist and make multimedia net art as an indie cult comix darling while uploading their watersports under an anonymous alias over two years while still refusing to tab over to the terminal so I can issue the shutdown command in the two minutes of patience I have before yanking out its power cord. I even bought the magic Samsung SD card that’s supposed to make the Raspberry Pi® not Raspberry Shit. What about all the African children who are learning to code so they can algorithm their way out of famine? Can they afford Samsung? Is Samsung killing children?

Here’s the thing. The Raspberry Pi® isn’t meant to be a desktop replacement. It can be, if you want to experience the thrill of chemical sedation without the expense of black market anaesthetics. It’s meant to be something you buy and throw into random-ass engineering projects in case you need a tiny computer to hilariously overengineer solutions to electrical problems. It’s a cheap piece of crap you can give your kid so they can learn to code (even though they shouldn’t) and have some fun playing Minecraft. It’s also a tiny and quiet thing you can stash under your bed as a seedbox to constantly upload Cum4K videos and send waves of pornography into your brain while you sleep. These are the legitimate uses of the Raspberry Pi®. What I’m doing? I’m doing it the jackass way where I’m throwing all of Ubuntu onto a $35 circuit board when I should be dropping into SSH on my host computer and telling my slave system to play 10 hours of homosexual He-Man from five metres away, because I am the puppet master and I will make my minions dance.

The advertising for the Raspberry Pi® models make a big deal out of their pricing. Oh, it’s $35. It’s a $35 computer, look, you can compute for $35, just think about all the magical things you can do for just $35. And that’s not even discussing the Raspberry Pi® Zero® coming out for five bucks! First of all, I use Canadian circus money, so it’s $45 in the Clown North Honk and Funny. And it’s certainly not $45 when you get down to basic computing functions. You got power for that board? $15 adapter. How about some input? $10 for the mouse and $20 for the keyboard. You aren’t running a computer without a case, right? $15 right there. As for the micro SD card ― you know, the thing you need to boot the OS ― you’re on your own. And that’s not even mentioning the random assortment of crap that every geek has littered in their junk drawers, like HDMI and Ethernet cables, audio adapters, and a USB fan to cool the overheated little bastard.

Even this random starter kit from the Raspberry Pi® Approved Reseller® Canakit® costs $75. And they don’t even include the case! What if a fly decides your motherboard is a good place to take a dump and short-circuits your epic bootleg emulation station? How are you going to brag to all your friends who spent $80 on an SNES Classic when you can buy an $80 Jankbox and never shut the fuck up about it? That article is a joke, but it implies that extracting a .tar file into a directory is difficult. Is this how Windows peasants perceive the Linux Master Race? Maybe you need to shut the fuck up. What, me? Nope. Not me. I’m not shutting the fuck up. Except on odd-numbered days. That’s when the rituals happen.

I find it interesting how Logical Increments tells us you can build a good office PC for $350 USD. This presents an interesting conundrum: is one $350 PC greater than ten $35 Raspberry Pi® boards, or does the collective power of the boards outweigh the convenience of a functioning system? Does the collective 14 gigahertz of Raspberry Pi® processing power beat the meagre 3.6 gigahertz in the Ryzen 5 processor, or does buying a computer that would have cost $5,700 ten years ago beat buying a computer that will still be worth $35 ten years from now? Do we accept the chaos of rigging together ten disparate Raspberries into a single cohesive Pie in a mad experiment to maximise efficiency before realising we forgot to order power supplies for them all, or do we accept the order of having a single neat-and-tidy PC system that will run Windows 10 while being only mildly suicidal, because We Live In A Windows 10 World Now, as a 12% install base is Now considered a World.

I know what I’m choosing. Fuck you, Raspberry Pi® 3® Model B+®! Well, I still need to condition you to stop deriving pleasure from pissing your pants, but fuck you anyway! Although if I do figure out a use for you that isn’t completely trivial, it’ll probably be something that the courts would admit into evidence as examples of my constantly-devolving mental state that caused me to murder thirty-seven victims in the Northern California area between December 1968 and October 1969 while sending multiple anonymous letters taunting the investigators of my unsolved crimes through a series of cryptic ciphers ― oh crap.

Today’s NEW Article:

The 2019 Frogesay Still Arbitrary Game Awards!

Wanna hear my opinions on 29 different video games? Wanna hear them again?

Monthly Hangovers:

January Hangovers

Now that we’re in Blade Runner times, I get to upload my opinions on the Information Superhighway.

December Hangovers

I have finally received the greatest gift I can ask for: infinite rage.

November Hangovers

It’s like bootleg winter but with less cheer and more crotchety old veterans.

October Hangovers

Ignore the previous comment. I’m not done, after all. Not yet!

September Hangovers

I am back, I am SO back, and I already feel done with it.

July Hangovers

It’s the seventh lucky month, and it’s hot, hot, hot! Just like yours truly, of course.

May Hangovers

Feeling a little too alive? Let the tide of Spring whisk you away into your grave.

All my other crap:

The 2019 Solstice Recollection!

It’s time to brush off the sins of my past through a simple Solstice cleansing.

Froge’s Dissertation on Criticism

A long article about my philosophy on being a critic. No, it’s not funny.

Your Violent, Paranoid Delusions will get you Killed

Let’s talk about self-defence, and why what you know about it is WRONG.

Hearthstone Sucks and Blizzard are Cunts

A polite and reasoned discussion on Blizzard being malicious twats.

Linux: It That Betrays

Something broke on my machine, so that means EVERYONE hates Linux now.

I’m Racist Now

I’m sorry to all my fans, but I have to come clean: I’m bisexual — I mean I’m racist.

Halloweeny Musings

Featuring the inexorable passage of time. And dread.

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off Review: One Star

This is a rather silly movie that I didn’t like very much.

Kotaku Sucks my Fat Froge Nuts

They actually have cloacas — oh, never mind. Watch me fuck this low-hanging fruit.

Pixar Censors Boobies and that’s Terrible

Once upon a time, there was a plastic doll with large breasts…

Putting to Rest an Uneasy Season

I don’t know what I’m doing here, but I might as well keep on doing it.

And Here I Am Again

It turns out I didn’t write that novel after all.

And Off I Go Again

I’m writing another novel. This means I’m not writing here. Oh, the tragedy!

Short Talks on Bad Fandoms

Extensive analysis has determined that, yep, this is cringe, bro.

Shaming the HTTP Zealots

You would think people who publish on the Internet would know how the Internet works.

Defending Kiwi Farms and Christchurch

That’s it! I’m done with the façade! I’m joining the alt-right, RIGHT NOW!

How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World Review: Two Stars

That’s a rather long title for a rather short and unremarkable kid’s movie. Which I watched. Somehow.

I Have Come Back to Beg

I didn’t end up writing that novel. I’m now writing another one. Yes, I’m serious.

See You Later, Idiots

I’m leaving for June. See you in a month!

Froge Finds the Jay Z Song

Jay Z makes music. He no longer has to as I found his one and only song.

Fantastic Planet Review: Three Stars

The only cartoon to feature dozens of naked ladies while still staying classy.

Alien Review: Four Stars

Time to review one of the most beloved science fiction films ever made.

Reddit is a Scourge and must be Purged

Froge goes onto the Reddit front page and gets angry at things! He then throws up and cries.

What Does Froge Say?

My half-assed “about” page where I explain what has already been explained about my cult.